Pandora Hearts Farms
by MirrorDede
Summary: Liam runs Pandora Hearts Farms with his common law wife Sharon. Hired hands Xerxes, Gilbert, Oz and Alice keep the farm running in their own cracktastic way. And then the goats start getting attacked…by a chupacabra? AU CRACK.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **Liam runs Pandora Hearts Farms with his common law wife Sharon. Hired hands Xerxes, Gilbert, Oz and Alice keep the farm running in their own cracktastic way. And then the goats start getting attacked…by a chupacabra? AU CRACK.

**Rating:** T

**Writer's Note:** Here's the kink meme prompt I'm trying to fill:

"I need some crack

Life is blatantly normal on Pandora Heart Farms: Liam works hard, Gil minds Oz and Alice, Sharon makes an excellent dairy maid and Xerxes Break can usually be found reclining on haybales and chewing on grass, his large straw hat drawn down over his face as he shirks his duties. But the idyllic peace of the farm is ruined when a chupacabra starts getting into the goats at night...

Bonus points if you stick them all in ratty overalls, if Sharon occasionally throws eggs at people, and if you make it a chapter fic. :D"

**This is perfect for me right now because I wanted to write a fluffy cracky LiamxBreak, OzxGil, SharonxAlice story, which is what this is probably going to end up being.**

**Thanks to total_alias for beta reviewing.**

**And yes this will be a Multichapter story.**

(1)

The sun shone bright over Pandora Hearts Farms, and Liam was the first to see it. Waking at the crack of dawn was a way of life for the hard-working man. He'd been rising with the roosters since he was a small boy. He'd since grown to adulthood and inherited the farm from its previous owner, Ol' Rufus.

Now Ol' Rufus was retired with Granny Sheryl and they lived down the winding path that snaked along the river. Sheryl's granddaughter Sharon the southern-born milk maid was common law married to Liam and the two shared a typical old-fashioned sleeping arrangement – each had their own twin bed. After five years of living together this way, no children had been produced, much to their naïve confusion.

"After all, we kiss each other good night each evenin'," bemoaned Sharon, whilst squeezing the teats on a cow's udder.

"Don't worry, Miss Sharon," consoled Liam. "As it is, we've got our hands full with all these troublesome animals and lazy farm hands. Hardly a moment free to deal with children."

"Stop callin' me 'Miss'!" Sharon cried, squirting Liam with a stream of milk. "You gotta call me 'Honey' or somethin' like that! Can't you be more romantic?"

Such conversations usually sent Liam running to his friend Xerxes, who was the chief farm hand at Pandora Hearts Farms.

Liam had hired Xerxes to mind Gilbert, Oz and Alice, which he did - with a fist full of rock candy and his feet up on a hay bale.

"Gilbert-bob," sing-songed Xerxes, "have you ordered the cabbage and broccoli seeds yet?"

Gilbert grumbled, adjusted his straw hat, and then wandered toward the barn to get a fresh tin of chewing tobacco.

"That was supposed to be your job, Xerx," muttered Liam, snipping a string off his tattered overalls with the toenail clipper he kept in his pocket at all times.

"Well, now Mr. Liam, it's all about delegation!" Xerxes grinned and chewed a blade of grass. He hollered at young Alice, who was just coming out of the barn. "Alice-bob, kindly polish the scythes on the tiller, would you?"

"Was gonna, but can't find any rags, Clown," she hollered back, tying her long hair into a twisted ponytail.

"Hmm?" Xerxes looked thoughtful. "Well, Oz-bob was patching up his overalls with a rag, last I saw."

Gilbert came back into view, his cheek packed with chew, and sauntered over to Liam and Xerxes.

"Break…" Gilbert muttered to Xerxes, "You delegated the responsibility of Oz and Alice to me, so I'll be the one to order 'em around, not you."

"Eh? Well there's one less thing I need to worry about then!" Xerxes grinned. "I'll go back to living up to my last name then, and take a little 'break.'" He pulled his straw hat over his eyes and leaned back on a haybale for a nap.

to be continued!


	2. Chapter 2

(2)

The next morning, Gilbert was out in the field with Oz and Alice, whose twin B-rabbit-brand scythe blades turned in swift rotation, loosening the soil for planting. Gilbert walked behind his charges, operating the seed spreader.

There were a number of scarecrows out in the field, and every one of them resembled Xerxes Break in some way or another. The man had donated some of his old clothes to the cause, and their hair was made from old mop heads. Gilbert had a soft spot for birds, especially ravens and crows, and liked to drop bird seed into the dimple of each scarecrow's hat as he passed them.

After a while, it was time for a rest: the three sprawled out in the field and had a quick snack. Gilbert unpacked the picnic basket and there was summer sausage for Alice, cookies for Oz and more chewing tobacco for Gilbert. The older man had also stashed a fifth of Jim Beam, which he sometimes chugged a bit of when he was feeling nervous. This morning was particularly calm, however, and he satiated himself with some cookies and meat that the other two shared.

Oz and Alice fell asleep resting their heads against his chest and Gilbert was content to settle into a quick nap with his charges. _Too calm and peaceful out here_, thought the dark-haired man, gazing at the bright blue sky with its fluffy white clouds before his eyes flickered shut.

)(

Back at the barn, Sharon finished her milking duties and left out a bowl of milk for the cat. _That Chesha cat better earn his keep 'round here_, thought Sharon to herself as a small grey mouse skittered across the floor.

She headed over to the hen house with an egg basket and loaded it up on the day's lay, then wandered back toward the farm house, pausing once to tear a loose string off her milk-splattered overalls. While she was leaning over, she heard a snoring sound. _Damn that loafin' Xerxes_, she thought. She crept into the pen where the sheep and goats were kept and caught sight of Xerxes fast asleep with his arms around a fluffy white sheep.

"Wake the hell up, you impudent loafer!" shouted Sharon, pitching a freshly laid egg at the man, hitting him square in the cheekbone. The egg broke open and the yolk slid down the side of his face and hit the floor.

Xerxes opened his eye and looked at Sharon's irate visage.

"S-Sorry Miss Sharon," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I had bit of a rough night last night."

"Hrumph," muttered Sharon, scowling. "If you'd stop your carousin' down at the tavern at night…maybe you'd get more of your work done! Those sheep need shearing…and soon!"

Xerxes pulled a blue bandana out of his pocket and wiped the raw egg off his face.

"I'll be doing that to-daaay!" He grinned and patted the sheep next to him.

When Sharon left, the white-haired man scrambled to his feet and retrieved his sheep shearing equipment. _I don't mind the shearing so much_, he thought, _but washing the crap off the fleece and carding it…ugh…there's got to be a better way_. Then he saw Sheryl's old discarded wheelchair in the corner, and tapped his chin thoughtfully with his finger. _I think I've got a plan_.

!

to be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

(3)

"Where's your bell, Chesha?" asked Alice, scratching the black farm cat behind the ears.

"Nyaa?" mewed Chesha, rubbing his cheeks against Alice's hand.

"I took it off," said Sharon, picking up the TV remote from the end table and clicking the power on. "Dang cat wasn't catching enough mice. Figure it'll be easier if them mice can't hear him acomin'."

"But then he'll catch birds, won't he?" Alice asked, turning her eyes toward the TV. "Gilbert won't like that."

"Then Gilbert can put the bell back on Chesha and catch the mice himself," Sharon said bitterly, forgetting Gilbert's intense cat phobia. "Everyone's so damn lazy around here…"

"Including you," muttered Liam, not even looking up from his papers.

"What did you say!" Sharon looked at Liam, her faced reddened with anger.

"It's true." Liam looked up. "Ever since Xerx got you that TV for your birthday you rot in front of it for hours every day."

"That's _my_ business!" Sharon picked up a small rotating fan from the table, yanked its cord out of the wall and hurled it at her man. Liam dodged it by diving out of his seat to the floor; a move he'd practiced more times than he cared to admit.

"If you were doin' _your_ job, you'd have gotten me preggers by now!" Sharon burst in to tears, then collapsed into Alice's arms and the two women spent the rest of the evening watching the home shopping network.

)(

Meanwhile, Gilbert and Oz were in their room sitting in bed playing blackjack.

"Hit me," said Gilbert.

Oz dealt him a ten to top his ace and hidden deuce.

"Again," muttered Gilbert, gnashing on a toothpick.

A seven was added to his hand.

"I got twenty."

"I got twenty-one!" Oz grinned, turning up his ace along side his queen.

"Damn!" Gilbert threw down the cards. "I just lost, what, fifteen games in a row? I'm done for the night." He threw his toothpick across the room and it bounced off the wall into the trashcan.

Oz collected the cards and put a rubber band around them.

"Say Gil, what happened to your stack of empty chew tins what was towerin' up over there in the corner?"

"Heck if I know," Gilbert said, leaning back on a pillow. "Things keep disappearing on me."

"You too, huh?" Oz tossed the cards in a drawer and leaned back on the bed. "I'm missin' my baseball bat and a pair of workboots."

"Huh."

"Yuh huh."

Gilbert yawned. Oz yawned.

"Let's hit the sack," the blond said, tugging off his ratty overalls. The seat ripped clean open and he looked at them in dismay.

"Don't you mind about that, Oz," said Gilbert, pulling up the covers. "I'll grab you a pair of overalls from one of them scarecrows in the morning."

)(

Meanwhile, in Xerxes' room:

"Is Miss Sharon enjoying the new television?" Xerxes asked, smirking.

"She certainly is." Liam took off his glasses and lay them on the nightstand. "She and Alice spend hours watching soap operas and trashy pseudo-news programs."

"Oh ho! My plan is working then."

"It is," said Liam, putting his arm around his friend. "She didn't even notice me sneaking out this evening."

"Excellent," Xerxes murmured, snuggling in to Liam's arms.

"I still don't understand how you got the money for the TV, Xerx."

"Gambling."

"Gambling? I didn't know you were a betting man."

"I bet _anyone_ I can drink them under the table," Xerxes said, grinning slyly. "I win every single time."

"Ah!" Liam laughed lightly. "That's right. It all makes sense now."

_to be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

[Did anyone get the "Sharon threw a fan" gag in the last chapter?]

(4)

The next morning, Gilbert got up a little early and went out to the field to rob a scarecrow of its overalls, so that Oz could have something to wear that day besides the maid outfit he had leftover from last year's Halloween. But as he was walking past the barn, he heard a scream and saw Sharon come running out of the barn, her hands flailing about her head.

"Miss Sharon!" Gilbert cried. "What's wrong?"

"Eeee! A chupacabra!" Sharon burst into tears. "A ch-chupacabra…got into the goats…a-and…sucked its blood!"

The others heard Sharon's screams and came running: Alice was there in a flash, followed by Liam and Xerxes. Then Oz showed up in his maid outfit, looking a tad self-conscious.

"What the hell is a chupacabra?" asked Gilbert. "Sounds like a brand of chewing tobacco."

"A chupacabra!" Alice's eyes grew wide. "That thing we saw on TV, Sharon?"

"Y-Yes!" Sharon stammered. "It's a creature that sucks the blood clean out of livestock!"

"What does it look like?" queried Oz, arranging his skirt to try to hide the goosebumps on his legs.

"I believe it wears a maid outfit," chuckled Xerxes, hiding behind Liam's broad shoulders.

"Be serious, Xerx," said Liam, sternly. "This is bad for the balance sheet. We can't afford to be losing goats, not with what a quart of goat's milk will fetch these days at the yuppie market."

All six of them went into the barn to survey the damage. They found one female goat, with puncture marks to its neck, looking quite wasted and decidedly dead.

Oz broke the silence.

"You don't suppose it will come back again, do you? This…chupacabra?"

"It very well might," said Alice. "The TV program said they can come again and again."

"Well, one of us will set up watch here tonight in the goat and sheep barn," Liam said decisively, looking directly at Xerxes.

"Why is everyone looking at me?" Xerxes looked almost offended. "Alright, I'll do it. I pretty much live in this barn, anyway," he muttered under his breath.

)(

Later that day, Liam asked ol' Rufus and Granny Sheryl to come by and survey the situation. Sheryl came riding side saddle on a pony, while Rufus held the reins in his hand and walked along side of her, pet Dodo bird on his shoulder.

"Thank you for coming," Liam said, clasping his hands together. "This way, and I'll show you what we're dealing with." He led them into the barn that held the goats and sheep.

Rufus fanned himself with a racing form, while Sheryl stayed atop the pony and commented on the state of the barn.

"This place has sure come to collect a lot of debris since we lived here, eh, Ruf?"

The two looked askance at the piles of detritus that were accumulating in the corners.

"Ah, well Xerxes _collects_ things," Liam said dismissively. "In any case, you can see the unfortunate animal right here. The ladies are insistent it must be a chupacabra."

"The chupacabra is not a real animal," muttered Rufus, a frequent watcher of _Mythbusters_ and subscriber to the Skeptical Inquirer. "I dare say this is the work of a _person_…a person with a vendetta or grudge. Have you any enemies, Liam?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Liam pushed up his glasses. "Xerxes will be keeping watch tonight to see if he can catch whatever – or whoever – is doing it."

"Can you trust this 'Xerxes' person?" asked Rufus suspiciously. "Have you checked his police record?"

"Well, I do trust him in fact, for reasons of my own." Liam's heart grew warm as he thought of his dear friend.

)(

The next morning, Xerxes woke up in the barn with his left arm draped across a goat. He blinked a few times and took stock of the situation. _Damn, I fell asleep_, he thought. Staggering to his feet, he glanced around till his eyes fell on the something he did _not_ want to see – the sight of another blood-drained goat.

"Noooooo!" screamed Sharon a few minutes later when she came in the barn with her pail of eggs. "Not another goat!" She reached into the pail of eggs and flung a particularly poopy one straight at the white-haired man's forehead. "You lazy, good-for-nothin'!"

Xerxes took his crusty old bandana out of his pocket and wiped his face.

"You sleep all day long, the least you can do is stay awake all night!" Sharon turned on her heel and marched out of the barn.

"Hrumph," muttered Xerxes. "That girl has no idea how hard I actually work around here. Unappreciative wench."

.

to be continued…

[Pardon me, Sharon fans, if Sharon seems a bit OOC. I picture her as a kind of white trash southern belle in this one, so I'm emphasizing her aggressive side. She's funnier that way, anyhow.]


	5. Chapter 5

[It's gonna be 8 chapters so you're half way through!]

(5)

That night Liam told Sharon he would be joining Xerxes in the barn overnight to ensure a good watch was kept on the goats. Sharon nodded her head and said, "mm hmm…" without taking her eyes off the bathroom remodel show she and Alice were zonked out in front of.

Liam found Xerxes sitting at his spinning wheel, spinning yarn from sheep's wool, while Chesha cat watched with fascination.

"Good evening, Xerx. What's that you're spinning?"

"Oh, just some fresh, carded fleece, mixed with a bit of ol' Rufus' hair." Xerxes grinned as he glanced up at Liam. "I'm going to knit a sweater for Granny Sheryl with this yarn."

"Well, aren't you the industrious one," Liam said, leaning over the wheel to watch Xerxes' deft hands pull the fibers apart. "It's this year's wool you said?"

"Mm hm."

"I didn't hear you complaining about washing the shorn fleece this time," Liam said, putting his foot up on a hay bale and leaning onto his knee. "Normally you procrastinate that task like the dickens, gripe and moan about it and then try to push it off on Alice or Oz."

"Oh, I haven't showed you my secret yet, have I?" Xerxes stopped treadling the wheel and wound the end of the fiber around a hook to hold it. "Come this way." 

He stood up and Liam followed him up a ladder to the barn loft, and behind a wall of hay bales. Xerxes turned on a spotlight and watched Liam's reaction - a blend of confusion, surprise and that frozen look that appears on the face of a person who is completely overwhelmed.

"Wh-What the _heck_ am I looking at?"

"It's my fleece washing contraption," Xerxes said proudly. "You see, the fleece sits here in the wheelchair, then I pull this rope and the chair jetties toward the tub with enough force to send the fleece into the water bath. If it doesn't quite make it in the tub, this workboot on a broom handle will help kick it in. I use this baseball bat for mild agitation in the soapy water. Then these old empty chew tins I glued together work as a conveyor belt to slide the fleece toward the wringer."

"The wringer, eh?" Liam studied it closer. "I see you've commandeered Sharon's old curling iron for the job. Well, that's quite ingenious."

"So aside from washing the dirty fleece without me having to hardly touch it, this invention has another purpose…" Xerxes looked at his friend fondly, and resisted the urge to run his fingers through the taller man's short, chestnut brown hair.

"…that is to prove to you that I'm serious about starting up a candy factory. I hope you'll join me, Liam."

)(

"Cock-a-doodle doo!"

The next morning, Liam woke up at the crack of dawn. He peeled Xerxes' arm off his chest, sat up and switched on a flashlight, pitching the glow of it around the barn.

_Crap! Another dead goat. We've lost half of our stock now._ He mentally ran some numbers in his head and figured how many dollars per month this was going to cost the farm. But in the middle of his calculation, he noticed something gleaming in the straw. He stood up and went to investigate. _A matchbook...did someone drop this? No one smokes around here, since Gilbert gave up cigs for the chew… _He turned the matchbook over and saw the logo for Lottie's Tavern. _Odd…this is the tavern Xerx goes to…_

…_to be continued._


	6. Chapter 6

(6)

That evening the six of them – Liam, Xerxes, Gilbert, Oz, Sharon and Alice – went to Lottie's Tavern down the road, to see if they could learn something about what was happening to the goats on Pandora Hearts Farms.

"Let's split up," suggested Liam when they arrived.

Gilbert and Oz stationed themselves next to the jukebox and pumped a few quarters into it, requesting songs like "Gonna Be a Country Girl Again" and "Wedding Bell Blues." Gilbert scoured the crowd with his golden yellow eyes, looking for any suspicious characters. Oz wanted to sit down, but his scarecrow-borrowed overalls were so stiff from exposure to the elements that he was stuck in an upright pose. He leaned against the jukebox, crossed his arms in front of him, and tried to look suave.

Alice and Sharon sat down at the bar and looked up at the TV.

"Could you please switch to something else besides baseball?" Sharon asked the bartender sweetly.

"Sorry," said the bartender, whose nametag read 'Echo,' "I cannot change the channel without Miss Lottie's permission."

"Well, then…can I speak to Miss Lottie, please?" Sharon smiled her most charming smile.

Meanwhile, Liam and Xerxes sat down at a table near the corner, where they could keep an eye on the whole place.

"What are we looking for, do you reckon?" Xerxes asked, tossing a drink menu across the table to his friend.

"I'm not sure." Liam wiped his glasses. "Someone walking around with a weapon? Someone with blood on their clothes? Someone who hates goats? Someone who hates _us_?"

"Oh, I know who hates _me_!" said Xerxes, grinning in a manner both confident and sheepish.

"Who?"

)(

Out in the parking lot, a pickup truck with the vanity plate "DMOUSE" came skidding to a halt. A tall man with long blond hair, tight jeans, black boots and an Iron Maiden T-shirt stepped out.

When he pushed open the door to the tavern, all eyes turned his way.

"Here's the evening's entertainment," muttered Xerxes.

"What is this guy, some kind of wannabe rock star?" Liam whispered, looking at the blond man's guitar case, which was held together with bumper stickers that said things like "Poison," "I put a spell on U" and "I'm with stupid."

"Vincent Nightray," Xerxes whispered back. "Pompous vanity hound extraordinaire."

"I'll say," Liam muttered, watching Vincent toss his golden mane and smile sneeringly. "Even his _name_ is pretentious."

After setting his guitar on a stand, Vincent sauntered over to Gilbert.

"Hey there, partner," he said, giving Gilbert a mock punch on the jaw. "Have I seen you 'round here before?"

"N-No…I-I don't think so," Gilbert stuttered and blushed.

"Hey, Mister," Oz stood up tall and puffed his chest out. "You wanna start somethin'?"

"Why…do you 'own' this man?" Vincent asked, puffing out his chest and getting in Oz's face.

"As a matter of fact I do." Oz reached into his overall pocket and pulled out a collar and chain, then clipped the collar on Gilbert, who nearly fainted from embarrassment.

"Oz!" he hissed. "N-Not here!"

Meanwhile, over at the bar, Alice and Sharon were watching the proceedings and commenting like it was a wrestling match.

"And in the yella' corner we got Napalm Seaweed takin' it in the jaaaaw!" Sharon announced into her cupped hand.

"Ksssh!" Alice made background noises.

"Double Blond Kong's bringin' out the heavy artillery with the collar and chaaaain!"

"Ksssh!"

"While Brooklyn Stink Face scowls like a lion goin' in for the kiiiill!"

Echo slid a couple of wine coolers down the bar to Alice and Sharon. They clinked their bottles together and toasted each other.

"Sometimes real life is more exciting than TV, ain't it Sharon?" said Alice, taking a big swig from her bottle.

to be continued


	7. Chapter 7

(7)

An hour later, Vincent plugged in his amplifier and began the most torturous performance Liam and the others had ever seen. He'd do a five-minute guitar solo, then step up to the mic and sing something like,

"I'm doin' it all for yooo-ooou!" over and over, then go back to another five-minute guitar solo.

Alice and Sharon had not been successful in convincing tavern owner Lottie to switch the channel from baseball to "Desperate Housewives," but the three ladies had hit it off quite nicely and were sitting at the bar painting each others' finger and toenails with some brightly colored polish Lottie had just picked up from Shop n Save.

Wasted after two wine coolers, Sharon was sprawled out across three bar stools, getting her toe nails 'prettified' by Alice, who was so drunk she was putting more polish between Sharon's toes than on her nails. Lottie was braiding Alice's hair and talking nonstop about some boyfriend of hers named 'Fang' or something, and how she didn't _dare_ introduce him to her parents because he had a tattoo on his _face_ of all places and was into doing sword play at those Ren Fairs, you know the kind of fairs where the hippie sci-fi people hung out, and on and on she went, as if the ladies she'd just met were now her dearest friends.

Oz had resorted to borrowing a pair of scissors from Vincent and cutting the legs of his overalls above the knees, so he could finally bend his knees to sit down, but the midsection and rear of the weathered item of unfortunate clothing was still so stiff he had to slouch back in his seat with his knees jutting out.

He and Gilbert were sipping cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and watching Vincent's performance.

"That guy creeps me out," Gilbert said, tucking a plug of chew in between his cheek and gums. "This is a waste of time, being here."

"Yeah, I wanna go back home, too." Oz tried to lean forward but it was useless. "Hey scooch your chair around my side, I wanna talk to you about something."

Gilbert moved his chair alongside of Oz's, and leaned in.

"Gil I was thinking…it would be nice if we had a place of our own. Just you and me." Oz grinned his bright smile, the one that always made the older man feel all warm inside. Then Gilbert smiled, too.

"I'd like that, Oz."

"You could wear an apron and cook the meals, while I'd herd some oxen, or cows or whatever what's a herdin' animal."

"Yeah," said Gilbert, blushing. "That sounds great."

Liam was so drunk on bourbon the room was tilting a little, but he did manage to keep his eyes on Vincent's show, which was getting stranger by the moment.

"I'm not the man you think I aaaam!" Vincent half sang, half shouted. "I'm an eeeviiiil maaaan!" He lifted up a goblet – one of those plastic ones that is supposed to look like it's made of iron or some manly metal – and lifted it high above his head, then dumped the contents over himself. "I'm your antagonist, baaabeeee!"

Xerxes and Liam – who were sitting closest to the performance – both jolted at the sight of the red fluid that was gushing from the goblet into Vincent's blond hair. _Blood,_ they both thought simultaneously, and looked at each other.

Luckily, this was the finale of the performance. The ten people in the room – Liam, Xerxes, Gilbert, Oz, Alice, Sharon, Lottie, Echo and two unidentified bystanders – clapped joyfully with the knowledge that it was finally over.

"Thank you very much…" muttered Vincent, bowing.

"Okay, Vincent that was _not _cool…" said Lottie, making her way toward the man who had blood dripping off his body. "What the hell is this you're bringing in here? Blood? You better clean and sanitize this whole area before you leave. I can't afford to flunk another health inspection."

"Excuse me…Mr. Nightray?"" asked Liam, raising his hand. "Em…I'd like to know whose blood that is?"

Vincent wrapped a towel around his head and walked over to Liam and Xerxes' table, smirking.

"Don't worry, it's not mine," Vincent announced. "It's just goat's blood."

"Well, it just so happens that some of my goats have been recently drained of their blood," said Liam accusingly. "Would you happen to know anything about that?"

"Indeed I do." Vincent smirked, then looked at Xerxes. "This person wins _all_ the drinking contests 'round here and takes the spotlight away from _me_. That ain't right."

"You're just jealous," Xerxes said, sneering.

Gilbert, Oz, Alice and Sharon had gathered around to listen, too.

"So you drained the blood of my goats to get back at Xerxes, is that what you're saying?" Liam wiped his sweaty brow with his bandana.

"That's right." Vincent nodded, his arms crossed in front of him.

"You attention-seeking whore!" Lottie griped at Vincent. "I make lots more money here on drinking contest nights than I do on nights when you're up there wailin' and flailin'."

"Is that so?" Vincent glared at her.

The two started arguing back and forth and while they were distracted, Xerxes grabbed Liam's arm and pulled him out of his chair, out the front door, into the parking lot.

/

to be continued …

[P.S. Crack story is crack, but I know that blood clots within 10-30 min of being removed from goats or otherwise. So Vincent would have had to add an anti-coagulant to make it remain liquid.]


	8. Chapter 8

(8)

"Full moon, Liam," said Xerxes, opening the passenger door of the truck with DMOUSE plates. "Let's go for a ride and enjoy the fresh air and the wind in our hair, hmm?"

"This isn't our car," Liam protested, while clambering inside. He needed to sit down before he fell over from drunkenness, and the passenger seat of the truck seemed as good a place as any.

"Don't worry about that," Xerxes said. "I happen to know the owner of this vehicle is _terrible_ at finding his keys so he just keeps them in the ignition all the time. We'll just borrow it…" He shut the door and climbed into the driver's side and started the truck. "…maybe for a year or so," he muttered to himself.

"Where are we going, Xerx?"

"Well, I thought we'd check into a hotel tonight, then tomorrow start the first day of the rest of our lives." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of folded paper and handed it to the bespectacled man. Liam unfolded it and turned on the cabin light.

"A lease agreement," Liam said, studying the paper. "For a factory? Really, Xerx! You _were_ serious."

"Totally serious," Xerxes grinned. "We'll make lollipops, hard candies, truffles, maybe even chocolate goats filled with red corn syrup."

Liam slouched down in the seat and felt the cool night air ruffle his hair just a bit, then took a deep breathe as his face relaxed into a smile.

)(

A couple days later, Gilbert and Oz stood outside the farmhouse to see Sharon and Alice off. They were going to move in with Lottie since her boyfriend Fang had just 'disappeared' and she was willing to let the ladies have free room and board if they would work at the tavern part time.

"I'm gonna fire that Echo girl, she's got some _serious_ mood swings," Lottie had said. "Almost like she's a different _person_, sometimes."

The two women mounted Sharon's black horse, Eques, and waved to the menfolk.

"Don't forget to milk the cows every day! And the goats, too, what's left of 'em," reminded Sharon.

"Sure thing," said Oz, waving back. He put his arm around Gilbert's waist and leaned into him.

"So long," said Alice, putting her arms around Sharon's waist from behind.

Eques trotted off, carrying the ladies on his back, and pulling a small load of clothing behind him in a red wagon. On top of the clothing – nestled in snug for the ride – was the TV set.

"Well, your dream sure came true quick, Oz," said Gilbert reflectively, pulling a loose string off his apron.

"Yeah." Oz grinned. "We got our own place! This is gonna be great."

"It sure is," murmured Gilbert, smiling.

THE END


End file.
